A Year of Learning

This year has been difficult. Thus there has been a gap in my writing on my blog (also due to reading too many books). Although, now that some of the trials are behind me, I can look back and see how much growth that I have had because of it. Praise God for unanswered prayers and for hardships in our life so that we can grow.
I have never experienced such meanness in our world. Grown ups acting like children. Though, through a recent bible study I have learned that just because someone is the age of an adult, it doesn't make them an adult. I have had people question my son's clothes (wearing basketball shorts), people not talk to me, ignore me, laugh at me and talk behind my back. My husband has helped me learn "so what." I used to care what people thought and would get discouraged when someone didn't like me. Well, I am to the point of not caring and being able to say "so what."
My son and I have both experienced bullying. Me from adults and Mark from kids and adults. The school experience that we have had this year has not been the best either. Although, once again growth and lessons for the both of us and so glad that it is coming to an end.

What is go come: we have a baby on the way. I am going to be homeschooling Mark for second grade and Luke will be going to school for Kindergarten. Rebecca is at home with me as well but she has been asking about school, so when she is three, I will look into it. All three kids are on swimming; the boys on a swim team. Rob will be 40 this year and is looking for change (but not with the family). I am very encouraged by things to come, though it is not our will, but the will of God and I would rather have that any day.

Mother's Day

The day before Mother's Day I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. I had actually taken one previous during the week that was negative but I wanted to make sure since I was having so many symptoms pointing to positive. I took the test when I got home. Rob and I were not really "worried" that it was positive and were joking around about it. Then came the words "Pregnant!" Holy Cow! This changed our day and our lives. We couldn't believe it. Even four days later we are still trying to wrap our brains around the idea of having FOUR kids. I had never even imagined three until a few years ago and now FOUR!
Though this is a big surprise, it is a God's blessing. We can plan all we want and decide where we want to live and how many children we want to have and who we want to marry, but it is God who decides our journey. Though I do not feel well and it is a very big surprise, I welcome God's blessing with open arms. I know this child will be an added addition to our family, no matter who or what they are. Thank you God for this blessing and for this time in my life. "For I know the plans that I have for you says the LORD..."

Forever Family Day

Tomorrow is our Forever Family Day. It has been one year since we brought Rebecca home. I have goosebumps all over getting so excited that we have been together for an entire year. Tomorrow we are going to celebrate. Pancakes for breakfast. Time with BG. I will make Korean food for dinner and today Luke and I made a fancy cake for us to have as a family. I love being a family of five. Even though Mark and Luke are asking for a brother, I am counting my blessings and just feeling so blessed to be together knowing that we waited for this for so long. Rebecca is such a special and wonderful addition to our family. I love that sweet little girl so much as do I love my boys.

1 year ago...

One year ago, at 7:00 am, we got the phone call that I had waited 2 years for. Our social worker told us that we could go and get our daughter. What an amazing Valentine's present. I honestly can not tell you much about the rest of the day. I do remember trying to make travel plans and pack but I don't remember anything else. I wanted to leave right away. My husband wanted me to wait until Friday...Wednesday was our compromise. Thinking about what happened one year ago brings so much joy and excitement to my heart. Today we celebrated Valentine's Day as a family of five. I made dinner, Rob made a cheesecake and we played a game together, the five of us. What a special day. Last year will be my favorite Valentine's Days forever and always, a day that changed our lives forever. Seven years ago I went for a glucose test on Valentine's Day when I was pregnant with Mark. Another wonderful day....one more day closer to meeting my first born.

Thank you Jesus for this wonderful day...a day that we can celebrate love, family and the ultimate kind of love that you give us. Thank you.

Next week we will celebrate: Our forever family day!

boasting about my kids

For those who are out of town and would love to read what my kids are up to:

Luke has become a counter. Today, and for the last couple of days, we have been counting. He can count to about 200 or so by himself. We also have been counting by 10's, 5's, 2's, 100's 1000's and other skip counting that he feels like doing. Today he also read the book Go, Dog, Go all by himself. He also is just about all the way through all of the sight words for kinder and he is only 5. We have been having so much fun at home. He loves to help me in the kitchen. Luke also loves to play on the computer and would live in his pajamas if I allowed him to.

Rebecca is learning to count as well. The other day I caught her counting past 30 and I am sure it is from listening to Luke and I in all our counting. She also has all of her colors down as well. She is also recognizing her name in writing, as well as her brother's names and mommy and daddy. She is speaking in full sentences and in a conversation. Our conversations are pretty funny. When she doesn't want to hear something she says "What!" or turns her head and closes her eyes. It is pretty funny. Rebecca also loves to cook. She is always sitting on the counter trying to help me or taste whatever I am doing.

Mark is my rock star. He goes to Karate twice a week and soccer practice once a week with a soccer game every Saturday. He also attends reading club when we can go. He has all E's (A's) and meets all the reading goals that are set for him. He is reading above grade level and just loves math and does really well with it as well. He also loves learning bible verses weekly. He also has 100 dollars saved up in his piggy bank for what he calls "a rainy day."

speaking to others

Here is what I spoke on today. God really blessed me. Read on if you are interested.

A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a women of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong."

Being called fat. My husband's grandmother passed away. Having a man try to attack me inside of a store all because of trying to ask a question about a toy. A man going after runners in my neighborhood and I run 10+ miles a week. A man tried to get in my house while I was home with my wonderful three children. A friend purposefully hurting me. My son getting bullied at school. These are all the things that I have endured since starting the Changes that Heal class in September. Did these things hurt? Was it hard? Did God get my attention. YES!

As I mentioned, my family and I have endured quite a bit in the last couple of months. It was hard. I tried to hard to keep a smile on my face. I prayed every morning that I would glorify God in everything that I did. I tried to be the best mom that I could be. I tried to be the best wife that I could be. I tried to be a great friend, daughter-in-law, granddaughter and every other role that I am. I was very unhappy and felt like I was sinking. I felt that I was failing in life. I probably could have gone through just one of these just fine and been able to sail through it with God's help, but He probably would not have gotten my attention and I probably would not have been a changed person.

Let me make the connection for you. You see, I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me. It drives me crazy when someone does not like me for no reason at all. I can understand if I wrong someone and the amends are not made, but just not liking me drove me crazy. I can not tell you how much of my life that I have spent trying to get people to like me and worrying about what would happen next. Not only that, but worrying about things that “could” be or situations that would occur in my head, trying to guess what the other person was thinking or feeling. I probably have lost a lot friendships this way: expecting someone to act a certain way or have certain feelings for me or try to guess as to what was wrong in the relationship.

Through the class and the book “Changes that Heal” I have discovered many things. I can only be responsible for my thoughts and feelings. I can not control what other people feel AND I am not responsible for someone else's thoughts or feelings. How freeing is this??? If I have wronged someone, I can apologize and ask for forgiveness. But it is up to them what occurs next. They can forgive and we can move on. But if we don't, I can only worry about my next thoughts and actions. I can't worry about what I could have done but know that I have done my best to the glory of God.

It all comes down to the glory of God. If a friendship does not glorify God, I probably don't need it. If my thoughts are consumed by something, then I need to rid of the thoughts. I can not tell you how much of my life I have wasted by worrying about things that only existed in my head.

I also love to be in control. I try to give things to God but I worry and worry about it, when I truly never did give it to God. I now can give things to God and every time I worry about something or am consumed by something, I simply ask God to fill me up and I think of how I am glorifying Him. This totally changes my thoughts. It is not easy at first, but each and every day that I spend time thinking about God and His kingdom, the less I am consumed by other things.

Things that I have learned and hopefully you will find freedom in them as well:

Our feelings are our responsibility, other's feelings are their responsibility

When people hate us for being forgiving and compassionate, we are on the right track. Isn't that what Jesus went through?

When we take responsibility for someone else's feelings, we are crossing over their boundaries.

Be sensitive to other's choices

Our anger is usually a sign that someone has sinned against us

Own up to what is ours, but do not try to own what is not ours.

Do not put blame on the other person

We should NEVER compare ourselves to others; God made each one of us unique.

When you tie a chain around someone else's ankle, it will probably end up around your neck

Let other's have their choices and start taking responsibility for ours

Carry our own loads

You see, with all that went on for these past couple of months, I turned angry. I was bitter. I was mad at the world and didn't understand why God wouldn't help me. It took all of these things to get me face down on the ground for God to get my attention. You see, God doesn't have to do anything for us. He chooses to help us. He chooses the right time and the right circumstances to help us. What I was feeling was my choice, my anger, it had nothing to do with God and what He was not doing. It wasn't anyone else's fault either that I was feeling this way. People made certain choices to not be nice to me, but it was my choice to get angry, My choice to get bitter. My choice to dwell on it until it got the best of me. God did get my attention. God taught me a lesson. No matter what, I made my choices and they all must go with glorifying God. If it does not glorify God, then it does not belong in my life.

I have learned to set boundaries. I have learned that I do not have to have a relationship with a person, even if I am related to them. If I want something, I stand up for it. In the past, if someone did not approve, I would change my boundary to suit them. Now I set boundaries for myself. This is so freeing! Just last week, I set two boundaries. One hurt a little because it was not what the other person wanted to hear, but I was tired of getting hurt and my son getting hurt. The other boundary worked and I am a much better person because of it.

As the ladies in the James study, they will learn as I am learning to love your neighbor as yourself. This is one of the greatest commandments, to love your neighbors as yourself. We can love our neighbors but we can also respect one another's thoughts and feelings. Being a woman is hard enough and we tend to add so much drama that doesn't need to be there. (like trying to guess what our friend is thinking or feeling) Our book had an illustration of a yard. Keeping in our own yard and if we cross over the lines, someone is likely to get hurt. Just like the man who tried to enter my house. He crossed the “wall” or my boundary and it didn't feel good. Let's be nice, love one another and keep in one's own yard before hurting someone else and getting ourselves in trouble.

I am a changed person and I am much happier because of what I have endured. My marriage is better and I am a better mom because of my changes.

A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a women of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong."

To A New Year

Many things have occurred since I last wrote: a man charged at me at Target just for asking a question, a man on the loose in my neighborhood and a man trying to get into my house while the kids and I were home was probably the breaking point. I feel so unsafe not only in my neighborhood but in my house. I want to move to badly. I want to live in another city and in another country perhaps. The great thing is that my husband is looking in all these places. I have also been depressed since the holidays are over and just trying to get through each day while I entertain the kids and try to order my house from the old toys to the new.

With the new year approaching and the old year about to go, I have been thinking about how I can make life better. My number one goal for 2012 is to make the best out of each day. I don't want to regret anything and I want my kids to have an absolute blast every day as kids. I want them to know who Jesus is daily and what He does for us. So whatever I can do to make this happen and have Jesus as the number one in my life and in my family, that is what I need to do. Love like no other and be full of Joy.

As I allow goal number one to happen, I need to work on other things: being the best mommy and wife that I can be. Love better. Bring more Joy into my life. Let the little things go away. Not allow anger or sadness into my life. Spend time with God daily, which includes prayer and time in the bible daily, first thing in the morning. (before running).

I also want to run more, eat less sugar, coffee and soda. We will see if this can happen.

A goal that my husband and I made together is getting out of debt. Now we really don't have too much because we believe that if we buy it, we can afford it and we pay our bills on time, monthly and have no credit card debt. Although, we do have a bill that we need to pay from adopting. So, we need to spend less and save more. By 2012, we will be debt free.

I hope to go on more dates with my husband and love him more and spend more time on us.

I also need to work on working on myself. I give too much in what other people think or feel about me rather than what I want or like. I need to let it be that if someone thinks that I am fat, so what, what do I think and am I happy with the way that I look.

I am excited about 2012. I know that God will bring great things to us and my family. I am so thankful for all the days God kept us safe and healthy through 2011. God did protect us from that man that tried to come into our house while we were home and we are blessed that he went to jail. Thank you God for this years blessings and the blessings to come. Our God is so good.